can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dignity is for republicans.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
