theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
