I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
