and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
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She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
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We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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