my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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