Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
