I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Liz is crying about burritos again.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
