Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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