neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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