The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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