Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
