I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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