I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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