She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
