Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
