She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
