And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
