i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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