Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
