a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
