I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
