Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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