i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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