I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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