Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
