Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
