You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
A bitchslap is in order.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
