You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
