I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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