Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
