How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
