Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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