Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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