I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
