This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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