i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
