I'm being pulled over???
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
My Higher Power is John Stamos
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
This is classic penis vs brain.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.