my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.