All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.