I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
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you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
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You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.