i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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