I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
