census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
