is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
