i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
