perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
