I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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