I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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