I think im going to throw up on grandma
Ketchup is God's man juice
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
