Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
