i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
