This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
