I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
