Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
