Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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