Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Randomize
