Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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